Posted by
Sidney Allen Johnson on Wednesday, August 08, 2007 7:45:43 PM
The MASTODON Conspiracy
I
read too much. It's true, and believe it or not, it's not all history
or conspiracy related. Every month I go to the bookstores in Montgomery
and grab a stack of magazines. Most, but not all, are music related
magazines. There are the obvious ones you would probably expect me to
read like Brave Words & Bloody Knuckles and Metal Hammer etc. that
mostly cater to hard rock and heavy metal, but I also read the ones
that hover more in the mainstream like Revolver, Uncut and Rolling
Stone. Between these magazines and music websites from all over the
world, I find myself reading hundreds, maybe even thousands, of reviews
of new records every month. Reading record reviews is something I have
enjoyed my entire life. Of course I don't buy most of these records. No
one could. But I do find the various opinions offered on a plethora of
artists and musical styles amusing. It has always led to the discovery
of new and interesting music.
There doesn't appear to be
any discernable patterns as to what constitutes a "good" record. All
too often two records that are remarkably similar will get remarkably
different opinions from the same reviewer. Likewise no two music
critics see things the same way. You can always find someone who
loathes what someone else loves. It is from this volumous reading of
reviews that I have, in fact, discovered a disturbing conspiracy being
perpetrated against fans of heavy metal all over the world. The
evidence is unmistakable and having unraveled this monstrosity I
cannot avoid the inevitable conclusion: Mastodon is the worst heavy
metal band EVER and their new CD "Blood Mountain" is the worst record
ever made.
I know what you're thinking. I am sure many
of you have read a review somewhere of the new Mastodon CD and the
reviewer fawned all over it as though it was gold. That, as it turns
out, is the problem. They are ALL good reviews. I haven't found anyone
anywhere willing to say anything negative about it. That is entirely
unnatural. I know I have been known to say that heavy metal as a genre
and a culture has become entirely conformist but this is going too far.
When I see this type of uniformity of opinion I immediately have to
suspect that manipulation is at play.
Think of all the
great rock albums of the past. The ones that are almost universally
perceived to be the pillars that support the entire rock music culture.
They all have one thing in common: At the time of their release there
were plenty of people willing to slam them down and deride them as
inferior works. Check it out. "Dark Side Of The Moon," "Led Zeppelin
4," "Back In Black," "Master Of Puppets," and more than can be listed.
All records that, over time, have proven themselves to be landmark
recordings that are the cornerstones of rock music. None ever received
the kind of pandering praise that Mastodon is receiving for "Blood
Mountain." In fact most of these records at the time of their release
received what could be called undo criticism for the very reasons that
have come to have them regarded as landmark records. Universal praise
of the kind currently pampering Mastodon has historically been a death
sentence for an artist. Terence Trent D'Arby anyone?
So
where does this leave Mastodon? Damned to a conformist hell thats
where. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is pandering to this Atlanta
band. Expectations were high for them, this being their first release
on a major label. Their previous release Leviathon," received a healthy
dose of adulation itself....but nothing like this. To an extent, you
can expect this pandering praise from the rank and file media of the
metal establishment like BW&BK, Unrestrained or Metal Hammer, but
even the mainstream music media like Uncut, Revolver, and Rolling Stone
are in on it. Rolling Stone having a history of being unfriendly to
metal bands. That in and of itself should tell you something is awry.
It's not limited to the print media either. There are hundreds (really
thousands) of websites all over the world that do critical reviews of
rock records. Lo and behold they are all towing the line, fawning all
over this band. This type of critical devotion does not happen by
accident....but by design. Purchased by their enthusiastic new label
who is apparently willing to do whatever is necessary to keep everyone
in lockstep with their program. They are counting on the fact that most
people only read a couple of reviews, if any at all. Hear me my friends
for I am hear to warn you. You are being manipulated. Resist! Resist!
This won't end well for Mastodon. It can't. A metal band often takes
pride in it's resistance to the whims of music critics. Bad reviews are
almost a necessity for a rock band to help create an us against them
mentality. Now, poor Mastodon, IS THEM. To be pandered to, and pampered
by the media will inevitably lead to a huge backlash. After
all....pampering is so NOT metal.
Is Mastodon's label
reaping the financial rewards they desired by initiating this grand
conspiracy against heavy metal. So far, at least, the answer is no.
Divine Justice may ultimately prevail yet again. I read somewhere (I
can't remember who said this) that Mastodon would be the next Iron
Maiden. Well I don't know about that but since both their new records
came out close together it does make for a nice comparison to see what
commercial rewards this pact with the devil has brought Mastodon. Iron
Maiden's new CD debuted in the US top 10. Mastodon debuted
significantly further down. As the two records ease their way off the
charts as heavy metal records tend to do the Maiden record always stays
well ahead of Mastodon's. Since Iron Maiden is no longer on the roster
of what is considered a major label anymore, and therefore not
squandering a bloated promotional budget, their record will be
profitable and no one can deny that it is a commercial success.
Mastodon's budget was higher. The expectations were higher. Therefore
the performance will be regarded as a disaster. I guess it turns out
that the next Iron Maiden....is Iron Maiden.
Will Mastodon
get a second bite at the major label apple or are they doomed to be a
one shot deal like Cradle Of Filth? Does this mean that the major
labels will look upon this as further proof that heavy metal is no
longer a viable force in the music world and condemn us to still more
investment in the hip hop culture? Worse, was this a planned failure by
someone who wanted to prove that very point? Why were they put on this
pedestal? To fail publicly? Time will tell.
The question
may need to be asked: Is the record really just so good that it
DESERVES all the critical praise it is receiving. Personally I don't
think it's relevant to this writeup. It may be that good but the
pampering will destroy them anyway. Universal praise ALWAYS precedes
universal damnation. Especially in the world of rock music. Since
everyone now has the foul aftertaste of fellating Mastodon's commercial
ambitions in their mouths, I can't wait to read the reviews of their
next record, no matter what label puts it out. It will be a bloodbath
worse than the "St Anger" massacre......And deservedly so.
P.S. If you find a negative review of this record somewhere, tell me where it is. I would like to read it!